A Call To Listen

“This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to him!”

Mark 9:7

MARRIAGE IS A CALL TO LISTEN.

Even when our spouses misbehave or create difficult situations for us, we’re to tune in to God’s still, small voice and ask, “What is it you want me to learn from this? How are you stretching me at this time? What are you trying to do in my soul?”

Instead of listening, our impatient souls immediately want to provide commentary. Our natural, arrogant selves are eager to speak, to be heard, and to be understood. We can’t wait to express our opinion, state our outrage, or make clear our intentions; yet the Bible warns, “The prudent hold their tongues” (Proverbs 10:19).

You know what this tells me in a practical sense? The pause button on my tongue’s remote control should get much more use than the play button.

In one of the most remarkable sermons I’ve ever heard, my friend Darell Smith spoke of his battle with multiple sclerosis. He talked about how for years he kept asking God, “Why?” But finally he learned to ask a more appropriate question: “What?” “What is it, God, that you want me to learn from this? What lessons do I need to practice? What character issue are you eager to transform?”

“Why” questions are interrogations; we’re asking for an explanation. “What” questions humbly ask for insight. “Why” questions assume God has to defend himself; “what” questions more correctly put the onus on us: How do we need to change?

Marriage is a brilliant school for the art of listening. If you’re at all like me, listening will initially feel almost like an unnatural act, requiring supernatural assistance. When I’m angry or feel put out, I don’t want to listen to anyone, God included; I want to state my case.

But God knew what he was doing when he called us into marriage. Listening is an active discipline, and in our sin we are passive people. Listening requires tremendous motivation and about as much humility as any spiritual obligation we’ll ever accept. It also provides the foundation for our spiritual health. Jesus spent a good bit of his time urging people to just listen:

• “Listen and understand” (Matthew 15:10).
• “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear” (Mark 4:9).
• “Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen to me, everyone, and understand this’ ” (Mark 7:14).
• “Consider carefully how you listen” (Luke 8:18).
• “Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you” (Luke 9:44).
• “My sheep listen to my voice” (John 10:27).

Listening requires tremendous motivation and about as much humility as any spiritual obligation we’ll ever accept.

Listening is the motor oil for both spiritual growth and marital health. Without it, the friction and the heat will cause the gears of our souls to jam and break, blowing up the engine. Relationships start to break down when both parties keep talking and stop listening. Being together, building intimacy, and growing in oneness require listening. When we stop listening, we stop loving.

It all begins with our prayers. If we keep rattling off a list of things we want God to change about our spouses, we’re not paying attention to the list of things God wants to use our spouses to change about us. My morning prayers have become virtual marching orders. God almost never points out something my wife needs to do for me; ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he reveals to me what I’m to do for her.

Listening, of course, requires a monumental shift in attitude. We should enter each day of marriage as learners, not teachers. God uses the challenges of marriage to teach us about ourselves. He uses our spouses to teach us how the other gender thinks and reacts. He uses marriage to give us perspective, and perhaps even a new outlook. God does not limit his lessons according to the gifting of the persons with whom we live; he is well able to speak through even the worst of sinners.

But when we refuse to listen, we miss all this. You can change the entire spiritual climate in your home merely by choosing to listen. It’s amazing what this simple spiritual act can do. Days of despair get transformed into days of discovery; disappointment gives way to discernment.

The best way to change your marriage is to start listening more than you talk. And when you pray, listen to God more than you complain about your spouse. Use your ears, and watch how God uses those floppy appendages to reawaken your heart. I have found that God can use any situation in life to teach me something, if only I’ll listen for that lesson.