Kindness Matters

Love is kind.

1 Corinthians 13:4

“WHAT FIVE OR SIX QUALITIES WOULD YOU CHOOSE IN A MATE IF YOU WERE looking for a wife?” someone once asked me.

After some thought, I rattled off six items.

“You didn’t even mention physical appearance,” said the man.

“Hmmm,” I said. But after thinking about it some more, I realized the omission was no accident.

“Let’s say you were married to Charlize Theron,” I explained. “For the sake of argument, let’s say you’ve been married for seven years. If you’re rushing to get ready for work and she comes out of the shower stark naked, you know what you’re going to say? ‘Honey, have you seen my brown belt? I can’t find my belt and I need to leave in ten minutes.’ As crazy as it may sound, you would actually be more excited at the sight of that leather belt than you would be watching your naked wife walk to the closet.”

The way we’re wired, physical attraction of even the highest nature, over time, quiets down. Sometimes I forget I’m married to a very attractive woman. I see her every day, and so it’s easy to take it for granted. But you know what I don’t take for granted? Every individual act of kindness.

For some reason I never seem to grow callous toward kindness. In fact, just this morning, as I was trying to get back into my office, my wife saw I was preparing a cup of chai and said, “Here, let me get that for you.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Go down to your office; I’ll bring it to you.”

I’m sipping the tea as I write this, getting my midmorning caffeine boost and thinking very pleasant thoughts about my wife.

I say in Sacred Marriage that most couples don’t fall out of love; they fall out of repentance.^a It’s our selfish, unkind attitudes that poison our affection for each other far more than anything else, and it’s our acts of generosity and kindness that keep intimacy alive.

It’s our acts of generosity and kindness that keep intimacy alive.

I was speaking spiritually, but now, apparently, there’s sociological evidence to back this up. Dr. John Gottman is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and one of today’s foremost authorities on what makes marriages work and what leads to divorce. Listen to his words:

At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.^b

These “little ways” are nothing more than practical expressions of kindness. Listen to how this worked its way out in a couple known by Dr. Gottman:

Take the case of hardworking Nathaniel, who runs his own import business and works very long hours. In another marriage, his schedule might be a major liability. But he and his wife, Olivia, have found ways to stay connected. They talk frequently on the phone during the day. When she has a doctor’s appointment, he remembers to call to see how it went. When he has a meeting with an important client, she’ll check in to see how it fared. When they have chicken for dinner, she gives him both drumsticks because she knows he likes them best. When he makes blueberry pancakes for the kids on Saturday morning, he’ll leave the blueberries out of hers because he knows she doesn’t like them. Although he’s not religious, he accompanies her to church each Sunday because it’s important to her. And although she’s not crazy about spending a lot of time with their relatives, she has pursued a friendship with Nathaniel’s mother and sisters because family matters so much to him.^c

Romantic feelings come and go, but biblical love is supported by chosen thoughtfulness and kindness. Nathaniel doesn’t want to go to church, but he goes because it’s important to his wife. Olivia doesn’t particularly enjoy having a close relationship with her husband’s family, but she wants to please her husband, so she makes the effort. In other words, they choose to be kind, and that kindness colors their entire relationship.

Dr. Gottman suggested that consistent, small acts of kindness provide a surer foundation than sporadic romantic vacations and extravagant anniversary gifts. Paul gave this same prescription two thousand years ago in much fewer words when he wrote, “Love is kind.” We can choose to transform the climate in our homes by adopting these attitudes of godliness—patience, gentleness, selflessness, kindness, love—which the Bible urges us to adopt. Conversely, the things Paul said love is not are the very qualities that make home life so miserable: “It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5).

In other words, a satisfying marital experience has far more to do with character than emotional attraction, romantic feelings, sexual acumen, or physical appeal. As believers filled with God’s Holy Spirit, we can choose to be kind. We can choose to be patient. We can choose to be gentle. But when virtue becomes a stranger, any relationship will begin to sour.