One

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself.

Romans 15:1–3

LISA AND I WERE TALKING WITH A COUNSELOR ABOUT ONE OF OUR CHILDREN, who can be greatly affected by tension. In talking with the counselor, this child identified me as the laid-back one, while admitting that Lisa can occasionally get tense. I’m ashamed and embarrassed to admit that part of me expected the counselor to really let Lisa have it, but in a stroke of genius, the counselor turned to me and said, “So, anything you can do, Gary, to release the pressure off Lisa would be really helpful.”

Like Jesus, she dropped the responsibility right back into my own lap.

Too many times in marriage we forget we’re one. We start operating as individuals, even occasionally setting ourselves up against each other, forgetting that God is making us into a single unit. We may not go so far as to have a financial prenuptial agreement (which mocks the marriage before it even begins), but we carry an emotional prenuptial agreement—looking out for ourselves at the expense of the union.

If you sense your spouse lacks something, rather than criticize or judge him or her, your job is to pick up the extra load. I hear many wives complain that their husbands aren’t as spiritually mature as they are; they use this fact as a club to make their husbands feel guilty and inferior. But Paul said we should do the opposite: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself” (Romans 15:1–3, emphasis added).

If we’re so “strong,” then our calling is to bear with the “weak.” Now, it’s never the case that one person is always strong in everything while the other spouse is always weak in everything. At times Lisa feels frustrated that I’m too laid-back and not forceful enough. Lisa and a counselor would have many opportunities to pick apart my own faults if we discussed other issues in our family. But rather than point fingers, we’re called by God to fill in the cracks.

Rather than point fingers, we’re called by God to fill in the cracks.

Marriage as an institution is a stroke of genius on God’s part. As sinful humans, all of us lack certain skills, and all of us enter this relationship with myriad limitations and faults. By joining two individuals, God creates a much stronger unit on which he can build a family. It truly is a wondrous work: two individuals coming together to fill in where the other lacks. But this dynamic will take place only when we stop using our spouses’ shortcomings as ammunition and instead use them as a call to step up. United in God, we are one.

If you were at a ball game and the batter hit a foul ball that was headed straight for your nose, your arm wouldn’t sit back and say to itself, “It’s about time the nose got what was coming to it. That nose gets so much attention, while I just hang here on the side of the body. I hope that ball really hurts!” On the contrary, without even thinking, you’d raise your arm to cover your face. You’d do it instinctively, even if your arm was broken and in a cast. Why? Your body acts like a single unit.

Marriage thrives spiritually when we die to our singleness and are resurrected to a divine union. We are to support our spouses in all they lack, and they are to support us in the same way. And if you’re tempted to say, “But my spouse doesn’t watch my back, so why should I watch his [or hers]?!” go back and read the first three verses of Romans 15 one more time: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself.”

The day you exchanged vows, you promised to join your finances, your future, your family, your welfare—everything you have—with this one other person.