Shaped By Sharing

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Matthew 7:1–2

IN COLLEGE I HAD A PRETTY STRICT VIEW ABOUT A “QUIET TIME.” I BELIEVED you were supposed to do certain things, and certain times of the day were better than others to do them in.

Then I started dating Lisa. Here was a woman who had a dynamic relationship with God but who rarely had a quiet time first thing in the morning. For starters, Lisa usually got out of bed just in time to make her first class. Not until later in the day would she go up on the roof of our dorm to lie in the sun during the afternoon. She brought her Bible along and called it a quiet time.

“At least be honest,” I kidded her. “I mean, who goes up on the roof after lunch to pray and lay in the sun and calls that a quiet time?”

Then one day there was a loud knock on my dorm room door. I opened it up, Lisa marched in, and threw open my Bible to Acts 10:9: “About noon the following day . . . , Peter went up on the roof to pray.”

Score one for Lisa.

Eventually, this insight—that different people pray in different ways—led to the writing of Sacred Pathways.

Fast-forward a few years. I sinned against Lisa deeply, hurting her about as much as I’ve ever hurt her—and probably as much as she’s ever been hurt. Even so, Lisa stuck with me. I realized I had some enormous holes in my soul and some gaping tears in my spiritual fabric. After much prayer and study and repentance, the key truth of Sacred Marriage emerged. Though I didn’t write the words for another decade, the groundwork for that book had been laid.

Many audiences have laughed about Lisa’s and my different views of what constitutes food. Some of my college buddies still can’t believe I can eat—and actually enjoy—a good tofu casserole, but I do every now and then. Lisa was one of the first people on the bandwagon of decrying the danger of trans fat, getting rid of everything in our house that included partially hydrogenated oil—and though I initially thought she was going off on another health food–magazine scare, it turned out she was right.

It stuns me to look back and see, in ways both profound (spiritual truth) and earthy (tofu versus Tater Tots casseroles), how much being married to Lisa for twenty years has changed me. We are who we are in part because of the persons we married. You’ve done what you’ve done in good measure as a couple. Sharing our lives shapes us.

We are who we are in part because of the persons we married.

Pause for a moment, and think about how living with your spouse has helped make you into the person you are. This is true even if your spouse isn’t a believer. I’ve talked to many people who have been astonished at the wisdom that sometimes slips out of their spouse’s mouth or at how God has used a particular issue to point out failings in their own lives.

I think it’s helpful to take a step back and let yourself be amazed at how God has used your wife or husband to help you become who you are. It’s also essential for future growth. Once I recount how God has already used my spouse to help me grow, then I’ll be more open to how he might continue using my spouse to help me grow in the present and the future. But one thing kills this learning process more than anything else: our tendency to judge our spouses rather than listen to them (and this may be especially true if your spouse isn’t a believer or if you perceive your spouse to be less spiritually mature than you are).

What strengths does your spouse possess that you lack and can learn from? Your spouse may be far from perfect; even so, what character quality does he or she have that you can admire and emulate? We’re always so aware of the areas in which our spouses seem to be lacking; this week, concentrate on the strengths that can inspire you.

When I judged Lisa about her quiet time, I wasn’t learning from her; I was building prejudice. When I faced challenges early on in our marriage, I blamed her instead of confronting my own sin and unrealistic expectations. When I ate what tasted good, regardless of what it contained, I was poisoning my body. I have been radically shaped, in matters both small and large, by sharing this life with Lisa.

I can’t even imagine where or what I’d be if I hadn’t asked Lisa to marry me. Although she’s so different from me, and our strengths often come from opposite ends of the spectrum, God has used this curious mix to help both of us become what we are and accomplish what we have. Through the difficult and the easy, through the fun and the pain, through the encouragement and the repentance, God has shaped us—and he is shaping you as well.