Soul Mate Or Sole Mate?

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

John 15:13

WELL OVER TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO, THE GREEK PHILOSOPHER PLATO SURmised that a perfect human being was tragically split in two, resulting in a race of creatures sentenced to spend the rest of their lives searching for that missing other who can complete them.

Thus was created the notion of the “soul mate.”

Despite its bizarre historical underpinnings, the notion of a soul mate has rooted itself in our culture, inspiring countless movies, novels, and Top 40 songs. One Rutgers University study found that 94 percent of people in their twenties say that the first requirement in a spouse is being such a soul mate. Just as surprising, 87 percent think they’ll actually find that person “when they are ready.”^a A culture suspicious of God has nevertheless brazenly embraced some sort of forceful and intelligent destiny that brings two lovelorn souls together!

But there’s a danger in this line of thinking. Many people mistake a storm of emotion as the identifying mark of their soul mate. A student of my friend Byron Weathersbee once declared that she wanted to marry a man because “he gives me butterflies.”

While we may laugh at this, I’ve seen far too many couples want to end a marriage simply because the butterflies have left. Individuals captivated by the “soul mate” line of thinking marry on an infatuation binge without seriously considering character, compatibility, life goals, family desires, spiritual health, and other important concerns. Then when the music fades and the relationship requires work, one or both partners suddenly discover that they were “mistaken”: this person must not be their soul mate after all! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be so much work. Next they panic. Their soul mate must still be out there! Such people can’t get to divorce court fast enough, lest someone steal their “one true soul mate” meant only for them.

When we get married for trivial reasons, we tend to seek divorce for trivial reasons.

May I suggest a more biblical pattern? Instead of following Plato in a wild pursuit of our soul mate, we should seek to find a biblical “sole mate.” A sole mate is someone who willingly does the shoe-leather application of living out biblical love. The most accurate definition of true love is found in John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

This love isn’t based on feelings but on sacrifice. It pictures love, not as an emotion, but as a policy—a commitment we choose to keep. Such a love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved—none of us deserve Christ’s sacrifice!—but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love: “We love because [God] first loved us” (1 John 4:19). This takes us back to the very first devotion: loving our spouses “out of reverence for God” (2 Corinthians 7:1).

Love isn’t based on feelings but on sacrifice.

A “sole mate” appreciates the truth that marriage is a school of character. He cherishes his spouse as an imperfect sister in Christ who is helping him develop the biblical skill of love. Clement of Alexandria, an early church father (ca. 150–215), captured this thinking marvelously when he wrote, “The prize in the contest of men is shown by him who has trained himself by the discharge of the duties of marriage; by him, I say, who in the midst of his solicitude for his family shows himself inseparable from the love of God.”^b

Such sole mates are women or men who, through the duties and sacrifices of marriage, have trained themselves to love with God’s love. They live out the gospel on a daily basis, forgiving, serving, and putting others first in the most ordinary issues of life (putting on a new roll of toilet paper instead of leaving a tiny shred, complimenting others for tasks instead of taking them for granted, being gracious instead of condemning when someone has had a hard day) in such a way that they see themselves as being in training to be godly (1 Timothy 4:7).

As Christ’s follower—as a true sole mate—I’m called to take his example and his definition of love and apply it to my spouse. It really doesn’t matter whether my spouse is a “soul mate” as much as it matters that I choose to love her with Christ’s love. It means having a sacrificial mind-set marked by generosity, kindness, and mercy—for she certainly is my sole mate, my precious sister in Christ.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” It may not always be the most exciting love, but it is certainly the truest love. This is a far more stable foundation on which to build a lifelong partnership than the theory of the philosopher Plato.