Quiet

Bring [your children] up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

EPHESIANS 6:4

NOBODY WARNED ME HOW NOISY PARENTING CAN BE. NOR WAS I warned about the constant interruptions. Every parent who has a kid banging on a bathroom door ten seconds after it closes knows there is no such thing as peace and solitude when toddlers fill the house.

Which is why sometimes our highest goal may simply be a day without any annoyances. But that’s like joining a battle and then resenting it when bullets fly. You can’t raise, much less train, sinners without regular annoyances. Yet behind every battle is a teaching opportunity, a chance to disciple living human beings.

You can’t cook dinner without making at least a little mess. You can’t take a shower without getting something wet. And you can’t raise kids if your highest value is quiet and being left alone.

Our desire to “engage in the battle” or fantasize about peace and quiet will determine whether we’ll respond to that sassing or let it slide because we don’t want the hassle right now. Our answer will also determine whether we find out why our child is unusually moody or depressed—or whether we’re simply thankful he or she isn’t bothering us.

While quiet is certainly pleasant, we have a higher calling as Christian parents. The apostle Paul rarely addressed fathers directly, but look at the two places where he did—and see if you can find anything in common:

• Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
• Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

Why does Paul juxtapose exasperating our children with patiently bringing them up in the training and instruction of the Lord? Why does he warn fathers, in particular, not to embitter or discourage our children?

Perhaps fathers have a natural tendency to ignore regular training or instruction until the kid’s disobedience reaches a crisis point; then we respond with a verbal nuclear bomb fueled by pent-up frustration. Instead of slowly and persistently training in the daily realities of life, we keep turning a blind eye and then explode when we just can’t take it anymore. In the absence of patient training, verbal explosions will become all too common. The yelling won’t impress our kids, however; you can rest assured they won’t listen and say, “Wow, this must really be important.” Instead, they’ll think, “Sheesh, doesn’t he have a temper this morning!” After all, we’ve let the same behavior pass by us for weeks on end. It’s only natural they’ll assume the issue is our temper, not their behavior.

As long as quietness and not being bothered are our true aims, we’ll be tempted to ignore the early warning signs of character going awry. Perhaps we’re hoping the character flaw will go away by itself; maybe we think it’s not serious enough to bother with. When the problem progresses to a crisis point, our response gets fueled primarily by irritation rather than concern. It’s not motivated by justice but by anger at being put out and bothered.

Of course, this will only confuse and discourage our kids. It won’t create a redemptive environment of change and transformation but one of angry outbursts, defensive posturing, and seething resentments.

Paul’s call to us is much nobler. Instead of ignoring what’s going wrong, we are to busy ourselves with an ongoing training and instruction of the Lord. We know kids don’t naturally grow up holy. We know kids inherit the same sin nature we do. We know kids aren’t born with an understanding of true doctrine, and that they have to learn how to cooperate with God’s Holy Spirit. This type of instruction takes time and determined effort—and rarely is it “convenient.” Kids tend to act up when we feel most tired, most busy, and preoccupied with something else.

Motivation is everything here. What is it that we seek in our homes? Maturity, or mere tranquility? Trained, discipled Christian workers, or sinners who have learned how far they can go without pushing their parents to react? Parenting is a process of regular disturbances for a high and noble end.

This week, ask yourself if you’ve fallen into the rut of thinking, “If all is quiet, all is well.” We are to train and instruct our children. Training is sometimes painful, occasionally noisy, usually bothersome, and always purposeful. Let’s redouble our efforts and resolve not to let potentially serious problems slide until we get so frustrated that we respond with the wrong motives and manner.

Heavenly Father, forgive us when we value peace and quiet over opportunities to engage and train our children. Help us to focus on purposeful, consistent parenting, instead of overlooking things we shouldn’t, and then exploding with rage when we’ve finally had enough. In Jesus’ name, amen.