You Complete Me

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

JAMES 1:4

WHAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD IN CHRISTIAN THEOLOGY? I’ve asked many groups this question, and the answers are usually pretty similar:

Grace.

Love.

Faith.

Truth.

All good answers, but Elton Trueblood, a well-known writer of the mid-twentieth century, had a different perspective. He suggests the most valuable word is the seemingly modest and.

So often, we gravitate toward extremes, but God holds up two truths that at first glance appear to defy human logic: Jesus is fully God and fully human. God is merciful and he holds sinners accountable. God is strong and he is gentle. We are holy and we are being made holy.

Heresy happens when we forget the and.

Kids can help us learn the importance of the and, as I found out during a difficult season in my own parenting journey.

One of our kids was having incessant angry outbursts. Confronting this challenge had revealed my own weaknesses as a person. Lisa and I went to an insightful counselor to get a better grip on how to handle this situation. “Gary,” the counselor said, “I’m thinking you have a difficult time dealing honestly with your anger about all of this.” She went on, “What are you going to do? As soon as this child makes your life miserable for two hours, are you going to slip off into your study and write about gentleness and peace?”

That’s when Lisa laughed. “Well, as a matter of fact,” Lisa said, “gentleness is one of his talks people like most.”

God used this child to show me that I was becoming a bit unbalanced, needing to be a bit more forthright and direct in my dealings with this child.

While it is true that gentleness is a key component of who God is—and therefore an indicator of what we should become—it’s also true that God wears his gentleness with his strength. Consider these words from Isaiah 40:10–11:

See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,

and he rules with a mighty arm. . . .

He tends his flock like a shepherd:

He gathers the lambs in his arms

and carries them close to his heart;

he gently leads those that have young.

God can come “with power” while also “gently” leading his lambs. He is not either strong or gentle; he is both, simultaneously.

In many ways, kids reveal the places in our lives where we’ve gravitated toward extremes. We see our sharp edges, our weaknesses, and the convincing evidence that we are not yet fully rounded people. Children point out where we need more work.

God is brilliant at sending us children who work on us in this way. A gruff parent inevitably gets a very sensitive daughter. A book-loving dad watches in horror as his son becomes a sports fanatic. A very refined woman is mortified to learn that her daughter is a tomboy. Along the way, these children unmask our prejudices and uncover our most glaring weaknesses, the areas where we find it most difficult to love, accept, and forgive.

This reality isn’t hard to accept if we’ll simply admit we’re not perfect. In the abstract, such a statement seems so obvious, but in the concrete moment, it can feel painful. So for this week’s exercise, repeat after me: “I am not perfect. There are holes in my character and plenty of weaknesses in my personality. And it’s guaranteed that my kids will intuitively discern, and consistently reveal, my most glaring faults.”

Now watch as God uses your children in the coming days to show you exactly where you’re not perfect. I suspect you know about many of these areas. But be open to surprises. Expect the process of parenting to put a spotlight on a hidden weakness—and then thank God for providing parenting as a valuable aid for your spiritual growth.

Heavenly Father, you are the only complete being who holds all his wonderful qualities in perfect balance. Help us to grow in those areas where we camp out in the extremes; open our eyes as you use our children to mature our souls. In Jesus’ name, amen.