This Present Guilt - Fresh Start for Moms

AS I PLOPPED DOWN in my favorite booth at the coffee shop with my green tea and added collagen (that’s to impress you health nuts) and began to write, I did this thing that I find myself doing most workdays. I got all sentimental about my girls and watched at least one video of them on my phone before I started my work. That’s cute, right?

But here’s what it actually looked like: I pictured the blissful fun I should have been having with them at that moment and immediately felt guilty for working instead of spending time with them. I chastised myself for being a distracted mom and wondered if I should go home so I could let the Lord use me to change their little lives. The result was a distracted author.

This is just one of the ways Satan uses false guilt to hamper what God wants to do through us. We can spend all our time thinking we should be in the utopian version of whatever we’re missing out on. On this occasion, though, as I was sitting in front of my computer wishing I was with my girls, I thought about the reality. I pictured my girls in the car with me without all the beautiful, noise-reducing Instagram filters. And guess what I was doing? I was wishing I had time to think and write! It’s absolute madness, right? I was doing the very thing I wanted to be doing in that moment that I thought I wanted right now. Here’s another way of putting it: the grass is always greener on the other side, while the guilt is always heavier on my side.

It’s true that there’s healthy guilt that comes from conviction over sin. But this guilt over not being everywhere at once is not based on reality. We cannot be physically present for our children every moment of every day. If we try to hold ourselves to this standard, the irony is that we will live consumed (and distracted) by our guilt for not spending enough time with our kids.

So yes, you might have some real issues to bring to the Lord about areas of sin and things you know you need to change. But let’s not amplify that by feeling guilty over made-up things. Instead, let’s live in the freedom the Cross offers so we can actually enjoy those kids we feel guilty for not enjoying more.

Here’s how this works in my world, practically speaking. I set aside the first hour after the girls wake up and the first hour after nap time as no-phone time. I make sure I am really present, and I ask them lots of questions. I make sure to fill their tanks. Normally that hour prepares my heart for a more present day, and if there are moments I just have to get the dishes done or do some work while they play on the floor by themselves, I don’t need to feel guilty about it.

I used to get kind of mad about how prevalent the message of grace is in the church. I used to think grace meant a free pass to sin. But that’s not real grace. When we truly understand grace, it frees us up to live a life of obedience. Grace doesn’t replace obedience; it energizes and propels our obedience. As we seek to be more present, we need to cling to this grace instead of living under a cloud of false guilt.

Romans 8:1-2 says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death” (NIV). I want to live each day as if I believe this to be true. Let’s not let our guilt about not being more present with our kids become another distraction from being present with them. May the grace of God propel us forward into obedience and into undistracted moments with our kids—without all the residue of guilt.

ACTION STEP

Choose one hour today to be present with your kids. You can cook together or enjoy a meal around the table, distraction free. If your kids are younger, you may want to start the time by reading books together. If you have older children, you might want to try a board game or card game.

PRAYER

Father, I long to be present with my children, but in doing so, I carry a weight of guilt that you never asked me to carry. Show me how to walk in the freedom that you have already paid for. Let your grace propel me forward in obedience. In Jesus’ name, amen.

MORNING QUESTIONS

TAKEAWAY TODAY | When are you most likely to feel a sense of false guilt?

When is it hardest for you to be present (e.g., with your children, with your spouse, at work)?

DREADING TODAY | Is there anything you’re dreading today?

REDEFINING TODAY | If so, what is another way you can view that thing you’re dreading?

ASKING GOD TODAY | What request are you bringing before the Lord today?

EVENING QUESTIONS

REFLECTION | Were you able to spend some time being fully present with your children? What went well and what was challenging about that time?

LITTLE VICTORIES | Where did you see God show up even in small ways, reminding you that you aren’t alone?

WHITE FLAG MOMENTS | When did you want to hide or escape today?

MEMORY OF THE DAY | What do you want to relish and thank God for?