“But I Had an Abortion . . .”

“Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?” Sonja said, her tone serious.

“She did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy.”

—HEAVEN IS FOR REAL, 94

Todd

Sonja and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. For me, the births of our children are some of the greatest highs I’ve ever lived. But, as it goes for most parents, our kids have also provided some of our most difficult struggles.

For us, those first struggles started with Cassie’s delivery, which was a little frightening—at least for me. Not just because she was the first but also because they apparently used some cone-shaped device during delivery. Looking at my daughter’s resulting cone-shaped head, I didn’t know what to say to Sonja when she asked me if our daughter was okay.

Then she asked again: “Todd, is our daughter okay?!”

Now, I’m sure all the husbands reading this will understand what I’m about to say and they’ll likely agree with me, but it seems my wife gets a lot louder when she feels the need to repeat herself.

It was tough! I was motioning to my daughter’s pointy head and glaring at the nurse while she quietly tried to tell me something like, “It’ll be back to normal in twenty-four hours or less. Don’t worry.”

Yeah, maybe, but I just wasn’t ready to tell Sonja that our daughter was “okay” at that moment. Pastors aren’t supposed to lie, remember, and I wasn’t convinced I would be telling the truth.

So the nurse and I stuck a little pink stocking cap on Cassie’s head and hoped that, with the drugs and all the other stuff going on, maybe Sonja wouldn’t notice. Still, it was all I could do to resist the urge to try to squeeze my daughter’s head back into shape.

I was thinking, IthoughtallIhad to be worried about was them dropping heronher head. No one warned me about this!

Today Sonja and I can laugh about that moment, and if you ask anyone (except maybe Cassie’s brothers), they will tell you that Cassie’s head is just fine.

But what happened with our next child reminded us that not all pregnancies end in laughter and joy. Our next child never made it to delivery; in fact, our baby never made it past two months in her mother’s womb.

It really hurt when Sonja miscarried, and you all surely know that I’m not just talking about the physical pain Sonja went through. It hurt both of us emotionally. It broke our hearts. We now had a hole in our lives made by a child we never even got to hold. Next to Colton’s scary ordeal, the miscarriage was our second worst low ever. We didn’t know how to bounce back. We prayed and we grieved, but it took a long time for the hurt to ease.

Eventually, with the news that we were expecting another little one, we gradually moved on. But I can’t say we ever really healed.

Colton’s birth brought us great joy. We had a son! But then, just a few years later came his life-threatening crisis that sent us plunging to the depths again. And then, a few months later, came Colton’s stunning revelation that sent Sonja and me to our knees in amazed gratitude. He had met, hung out with, and been repeatedly hugged by his unborn, older sister in heaven.

Wow! Talk about our highest high. That was it!

Some of the joy we experienced at that moment has been passed on to many of the readers of Heaven Is forReal who now have the same promise we do, that they will see their miscarried child someday in heaven.

Miscarriage has broken a lot of hearts in this world. And let’s face it, the Bible doesn’t have much to say about this terrible pain that some parents must deal with. It is completely silent on the most important question of all: What happenstothe baby?

We know King David was comforted when his baby died after Bathsheba delivered him. His reassuring statement about going to his child one day (2 Samuel 12:23) has ultimately given hope to many parents who have lost children after they’ve been born.

There are many verses that talk about children in the womb. But where are the words of encouragement and hope for the parents who have lost unborn children? I haven’t found them. And let me assure you, I’ve looked—no doubt like other parents who have suffered a miscarriage have looked too.

That’s one of the reasons I believe many suffer through a miscarriage in silence, even those in the church. Jesus says, “Trust in me.” And Sonja and I and many other Christians do. But we wished we could read a Bible verse from God that says specifically, “I’ve got your baby.”

That’s why, when Colton told us he’d seen his unborn sister in heaven, it was exactly what we needed. We had dreamed, prayed, questioned, but we finally had confirmation. Our baby—and not just our baby, our daughter (we hadn’t known if it was a girl or boy)—is alive! And, according to Colton, she can’t wait for us to get there too. That confirmation has been simply awesome for us.

Colton’s story has healed many other wounded hearts like ours. But at the same time, I’ve found that his message of hope has also stirred up another pain in many parents’ hearts. That hurt was first revealed when a middle-aged woman asked me a heart-wrenching question during a speaking appearance after Heaven Is for Real was published.

I’ve been asked many questions since the book was written, but this woman’s question was one of the most difficult. It started with, “But I had an abortion . . .” followed by lots of tears. Then, as though the words could barely be spoken, she added softly, “I know God can forgive me for what I did. But will my child ever be able to forgive me for what I did?”

To be honest, I was so stunned by her question, I didn’t know how to answer her. I hugged her, cried with her, prayed for her—and prayed for myself, asking God to give me the right answer for her question.

I didn’t have it then, but I believe now I do have the words I wish I could have said to that mom. (I don’t know her name; I hope she will have the chance to read them here.) From the bottom of my heart, and after many hours on my knees, I believe the answer to her question is a resounding yes! Your child will be able to forgive you.

Let me tell you why.

Jesus came to earth to reconcile us to God, or, as Colton calls him, “his Dad.” Reconcile means to make things right between two persons. Jesus came to earth and died in your place to make things right between you and his holy Dad.

Now, think about it: no one could have higher standards and greater expectations than a holy God, right? God has never wrongfully done anything to anyone. He’s given grace. He speaks the truth. He always wants the best. He’s never sinned against anyone. How do you meet the expectations of a God like that? You can’t.

Which is why we need Jesus.

Jesus himself met all the requirements necessary to bring us back into a loving relationship with a holy God—in spite of all the terrible things in our lives, our pasts, and in our hearts. Jesus overcame all of our obstacles so he can present you and me blameless to the most exacting and particular Person of all—his holy Dad.

If you can accept that Jesus has made things right between you and God, you can surely believe that, by comparison, it’s a piece of cake for him to make things right between you and your child. That means this same Jesus who will present you blameless and right to his Dad will also present you blameless and right to your aborted child.

Your child won’t be questioning you when you meet him or her. She won’t be hurting. He won’t be demanding. He or she will just be eagerly waiting to meet you face to face.

So here’s the bottom line: no matter what circumstances surround the loss of your child, whether that baby was miscarried naturally or aborted unnaturally, all parents who trust in Jesus will have an amazing reunion with their unborn children in heaven.

If Jesus can reconcile you and your sinful past with our holy God, why would you doubt that he hasn’t also made things right between you and your child?

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself.

—2 Corinthians 5:17–19