Sunflower Faith - Hope in Miscarriage

“I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 16:8 (NASB)

I could not escape my questions when I was miscarrying. Even if I tried to numb them away I was pulled back into reality with the wave of a cramp or the sight of blood when I went to the bathroom. I couldn’t get away from the reality that God had allowed my child to die. And I wanted answers.

Fixating on our “why” can be a slippery slope into the pit. Depression. Resentment. Bitterness. Anger. Even apathy. I was overwhelmed with the thought that God had forgotten about me. Or that maybe He wasn’t powerful enough to work in everyone’s lives at the same time. I was believing the lie that God was too busy or too indifferent to save my child’s life.

No one lies to us more effectively than ourselves. A drop of doubt can become a rush of ideas, questions, and statements that threaten to replace the truth that we know about who God is and what God has done for us. When we forget truth, lies take the helm in our minds and our hearts. Before we know it, we are dangerously sailing the waves of grief with no anchor; waves over our head, holes in the floor, cowering in the stern of our life, praying for death. This is not the abundant life that the Lord has for us.

Surrendering our questions before God is an act of faith. This is our act of belief. We are admitting that we believe, and we need help believing.

Faith that requires specific answers to its prayers is not faith. Faith trusts God, not because the circumstances make it easy to do so, but because there is joy even in the crux of grief if you walk with Jesus.

Our miscarriages force us to come to terms with whether or not we believe that God is good. That’s a tough question to have running around in your head. It has often turned in my own head and heart. In the heartache of miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage over the course of four years, I’ll tell you my secret to believing that God is good.

I am deciding to believe that God is good.

The sunflower is one of my favorite flowers because it turns toward the sun; it finds it every morning and fixes its blooms in its warmth. I want that with Jesus. I want to wake up and find Him and grow in His goodness. Unlike the instinctive response of the sunflower, I have to choose this day who and what I will fix my faith on. I am choosing to set the Lord before me, to place my trust in Jesus, to put my hope in Him, to fix my eyes on the Son.

Believing that God is good doesn’t minimize my pain. But it does give it purpose. Walking with Jesus in my pain affords me the chance to have more of Him. The ultimate good is not what I think is good – it’s just Jesus. And so, I trust Him.

I am deciding to trust Him. Every day, every moment. Especially on the dark days – I have to decide that He is good and that I can trust Him. On the days when I don’t feel like He’s good, I have to remember that He is. The character of God does not bend and sway with my circumstances. He is as good in the valley as He is on the mountaintop.

Reflection:

What lies have you been believing that you can replace with Truth today?

Prayer:

Lord, I choose to believe that you are who you say you are. I am laying down my doubts and placing my trust in you. I am laying down my fears and putting my hope in you. I am laying down my questions and setting my eyes on you. Will you bless me today with the warmth of your presence? Will you shine down on my faith and help me to blossom for your glory? Will you help me remember all that you have done for me?