When Advent Isn’t Perfect

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

“I JUST DON’T KNOW if I can do it, Kendra,” a close friend confided to me over coffee one brisk December morning. Nestled next to a burning fireplace in the corner of a local coffee shop, my friend shared her heart. “I feel bad, and honestly, we don’t talk to anyone else about this because I’m embarrassed and a little ashamed.”

She looked up at me shyly, assessing whether she should go on. I gave a little smile, and she continued. “I just don’t know if I want to spend a lot of time with my family over the holidays. It creates so much anxiety in me.”

I nodded in understanding. “I think more people out there feel the same way. And you’re right—it’s not something we talk about often, but many people experience stress in family relationships.”

Over the next hour, we discussed her complicated family history and the relationships that were still somewhat strained, albeit mainly below the surface.

“It’d be different if we could talk about things that have happened,” she continued, “but everyone just wants to sweep it under the rug. For years, I just went along, but I don’t want to do that anymore—not with having my own kids now.”

“It definitely complicates things,” I agreed. “And you have a right to your feelings and wanting some healthy boundaries. But . . . do you want to see them, even just for a bit?”

She cocked her head to the side, contemplating. “I do,” she said.

“So, what would you be willing to do?” I asked, and we brainstormed times she could get together while also giving herself and her family a way out if things went awry.

“That all sounds good,” I said as we wrapped up our time together, “but before we go, can we just acknowledge the sadness of the situation? The unmet expectations and the desire that’s there for something different? Something more healthy and whole?”

She nodded as tears began to fill our eyes and then spill down our cheeks, unchecked.

As we embraced and prayed together for God’s continued wisdom and peace over the situation, I knew her struggle wasn’t over. Relationships can be messy and complicated, and the holidays don’t change that. In fact, at times, they can magnify the issues.

I know this all too well. Being a foster and adoptive mom, I’ve had a front-row seat to complicated, messy relationships between family members. Even when people mean well and genuinely love their family, they can still cause hurt or continue in unhealthy patterns that have become habits over time.

For one of our kids, the problem isn’t just the relationships; the holidays themselves don’t elicit many warm, fuzzy memories. She doesn’t have the traditions or happy memories that many families do, which means that she’d rather avoid holidays altogether. Even today, she struggles to participate and will opt out of family holiday get-togethers by working a shift as a way to avoid them.

So, what do we do if we have strained relationships or know others who do but aren’t sure how to help them? What about our unmet expectations, whether from our younger years or even today? Here are three steps we can take to find healing:

1. We acknowledge the unhealthiness or unmet expectations and allow ourselves to be honest about what has happened or continues to persist. Within that, we let ourselves grieve what is not and what we wish could be. We may need to set boundaries with others so that we can have peace of mind. Family members aren’t granted an all-access pass to our lives simply because they are related to us.
2. We always bring our heartache to God. He sees. He knows. He understands. There is no shame in telling him about our pain. When we do, we can trust that he will comfort us. First Peter 5:7 says that we can give every worry and care to God, because he cares about us.
3. We find someone we can trust to confide in. Healing comes when we allow someone else to witness our pain and when we allow someone to offer wisdom and comfort. Someone who will pray with us and remind us of who we are in Christ. Someone who will hold our stories in confidence. Someone we can trust.

   Oftentimes, we may not share because we worry that we are doing something wrong, but this isn’t the same as going around gossiping or continuing to speak ill of others to anyone and everyone who will listen. This is about finding a person who is safe and who will offer support, another perspective, and wisdom when you need it.

As my kids have grown, we’ve shifted boundaries with family members, sometimes allowing more contact and other times pulling back based on the needs of our kids and the way their family members are interacting with them. There is no perfect way to do relationships. And we may make mistakes as well. That’s okay.

Some may wonder if boundaries are Christlike, but today’s Scripture tells us that as much as it depends on us, we are to live at peace with others. This lets us know that we are not responsible for others’ actions or behavior, nor can we control anyone else but ourselves. If others act in ways that aren’t loving, boundaries are a way to live at peace without allowing others to harm us.

Grief during the holidays is normal and even expected. Whether it’s grief over unmet expectations or troubled relationships, we can be sure that God sees and knows our pain. We can enter the Advent season believing there is good to be found, even when sorrow is also present, and they often run in tandem with one another. We can be fully joyful and fully grieved all at the same time. We don’t have to trade one for the other.

Advent is for all of us, so come to Jesus in this season, no matter what situation you find yourself in. In him you are fully known and fully loved—you and every bit of your past, present, and future story.

Joy and peace, even celebration, can be experienced in this season. So set boundaries where needed, create new traditions for yourself and your family, engage in pursuits that encourage your faith, and be merry in all that is good.

Lord, we acknowledge the hurt over unmet expectations or over relationships that weren’t healthy or created more chaos than calm. We grieve the memories we don’t have and the relationships that aren’t currently intact. Give us your peace, comfort, and wisdom as we still seek to engage in the Advent season. Help us, when necessary, to have healing conversations that are honest and loving. Help us to create healthy patterns for ourselves and our children. May we still lean in and celebrate your birth, seeing the goodness that you have for us, here and now. Thank you for walking with us through the good and challenging parts of this Advent. We love you. Amen.