New Morning Mercies #230

One of the most basic sins in relationships is inattention; we make greater commitments to our gardens than to the people we say we love.

It really is true that the number one reason that relationships of all kinds go bad is neglect. Here is the structure of every relationship this side of eternity: it is a flawed person in relationship to a flawed person, in a fallen world, but with a faithful God. Since it is a flawed person in relationship to a flawed person, if you are in a relationship, you simply cannot let that relationship coast and expect that it will be okay. It’s like planting a garden. You clear the land, you break up the soil, and you plant, water, and nurture your flowers, but at that point, you do not have the liberty of walking away. Your work has not ended; in fact, it has just begun, because you have planted your flowers in impure soil and in a less-than-perfect environment. Weeds will immediately begin to grow, and if you don’t attend to them, they will soon dominate the turf and choke the vitality out of your beautiful flowers.

So it is with relationships. Once a relationship is planted, weeds quickly sprout. Weeds of conflict, control, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, selfishness, pride, greed, jealousy, impatience, unkindness, and self-righteousness grow and choke the life out of the relationship. Daily attention is needed, because every person in a relationship brings something dangerous and destructive into that relationship; something that is antisocial at its core. The Bible names this thing sin. As long as sin lives in us, it has the power to wreak havoc on our relationships, so we cannot neglect the daily nurture that they need. A good relationship is a good relationship because the people in the relationship never quit working on the relationship.

Does this sound dark to you? Does it make you want to run away from relationships? Well, you need not be afraid, because if you’re God’s child, you bring something else into your relationships that should give you hope. Peter reminds married couples in 1 Peter 3:7 that they are joint heirs of the grace of life. There is hope for your relationships; there are resources for the struggle, because you have inherited big, expansive, powerful, rescuing, and transforming grace. This grace is so huge and powerful that there is no way to wrap human words around it. This grace motivates and empowers the hard work that every relationship requires. In times of trouble, you move toward the other person, knowing the inheritance that you have been given for such a time as this. Day after day, knowing the grace you have been given, you rid your relationships of the weeds of selfishness and sin so that flowers of peace and love may grow. And in the end, you don’t celebrate how good you are at relationships. No, you celebrate the Giver of that grace. This grace daily rescues you from your bondage to you and gives you the resources to be a person who truly loves others.

For further study and encouragement: Ephesians 5:22–6:9