Listen To Understand - No More Perfect Marriages

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19, NIV)

Mark shared his frustration with me over an interaction he and I had the night before. I found myself justifying my actions in my mind and just waiting for him to pause enough for me to interrupt and set him straight.

Then I caught myself.

Since becoming what we called “Mark and Jill 2.0” after a very difficult season of marriage, we were both learning how to respond differently to one another. Old habits die hard and I almost got sucked back into my old pattern of defensiveness.

Once I realized what was happening, I moved to a different heart posture. My job right now was to listen to my husband and try to understand his experience. I needed to listen to understand rather than listening to defend, correct, or disagree.

I’d read James 1:19 many times over the years and it seemed like I had always focused on the words, “slow to speak and slow to anger.” I passed right over the words, “quick to hear.” God’s Word convicted me with the reality that I was often not quick to hear.

I started reflecting back to what Mark was sharing with me, “So what I’m hearing you say is…” It didn’t matter whether I agreed with what he was saying. What mattered right now was that my husband felt safe to share and that he felt heard.

Each time I reflected back, I would ask him if I heard it right and then I’d invite him to share more. I began to understand that my body language and my tone of voice sent some unintentional messages to him the night before. I owned that, apologized to him, and asked for his forgiveness.

There were some places in his communication where I felt his perspective wasn’t exactly right, but now wasn’t the time for that. I could save that for a different conversation at another time.

Listening to understand is a skill that took me nearly forty years to learn. I wish I’d understood it earlier in my marriage. So many conflicts could have been avoided if I had walked out this Scripture and others like it, including Proverbs 18:13 where it says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame,” and Proverbs 18:2 which reminds us, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”

The truth is I had been a fool too many times. It’s easy to feel attacked when our partner gives us feedback. However, it’s important to understand that talking through hurts and situations that are disappointing or don’t feel emotionally safe is healthy for a marriage.

Regardless of whether your partner listens to understand or not, God calls you to do it. Our marching orders are to reflect Christ, not reflect each other.

So the next time your spouse is communicating hurt or frustration, don’t listen to defend, correct, or disagree. Listen to understand, reflect back what you heard, and thank them for sharing. Offer an apology if it’s appropriate.

You’ll de-escalate their emotions, let them know they’re heard, and get some important feedback for you to consider and talk to God about.

Prayer:

Lord, set a guard over my mouth when you need me to listen well. Help me to slow down and really tune into my spouse. Even if they’re just sharing with me about their day, let me reflect back and let them know they’ve been heard. When I’m tempted to get defensive in more difficult conversations, move me to a place of humility, love, and compassion so I can listen to understand. In Jesus’ name. Amen.