Fight For Your Team - Pray for the Marriage You Want

When Christopher proposed to our daughter Virginia, he arranged for both families to be there to celebrate. As I looked around the room at two sets of parents and four pairs of married siblings, I realized we had more than one hundred years of marital wisdom between us. What, I asked, was everyone’s best piece of advice?

The group offered up plenty of pearls, from caring about your partner’s interests to finding new ways to serve each other, but the takeaway I remember most came from our son-in-law Geoff, who talked about how to approach conflict in marriage.

“Remember,” he said, “that you are on the same team. It’s easy to forget that in the heat of the moment, but ultimately, a win against your spouse is actually a loss, because if you’re winning an argument, then they are losing—and that is a loss for your team. Your team is bigger and more important than any individual victory.”

Approaching marriage with this mindset—that you are a team and you want each other to win—becomes even more powerful when you realize who your adversary really is. It’s not your spouse. You may think they are the problem—they never help with the housework, they spend too much money, they chew too loudly at breakfast (and yes, I’ve heard that from more than one disgruntled spouse)—but those issues are just spillover symptoms of our self-centered nature. The real problem—the real enemy—is Satan.

Jesus calls him the thief, the one who “comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10)

Satan hates marriage, plain and simple, because it reflects God’s love for his people. Satan’s purpose—his goal—is to completely destroy your relationship. And when we buy the lie that our spouse is our adversary, we play right into the enemy’s hands.

The apostle Paul knew we’d need help. “Be careful how you live,” he wrote. “Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.” (Ephesians 5:15-17, NLT)

So what does that look like, in practical terms? How can we see quarrels as opportunities—catalysts, even—for growing in grace?

Growth may look different in every marriage, but prayer is the best place to start, even if your spouse does not want to pray with you—and even if your prayer sounds more like a complaint. One woman I spoke with explained how irritated she got when her husband repeatedly left dirty dishes in the sink. Does he think I’m his maid? she asked God.

In answer, God prompted her to time herself as she loaded the dishwasher. Thirteen seconds. Thirteen seconds was all it took to clean up after her husband—and to pray! “Now,” this gal says, “he sometimes loads the dishwasher on his own, but even if I have to do the dishes for the rest of my life, I’ll cherish the chance I get to pray for him for those few extra seconds.”

There’s no question that prayer—giving our frustration and anger to God—takes the edge off. Not only that, but when you pray for the spouse who hurts or offends you, it’s hard to stay mad. Bringing someone else before the Lord—asking God to bless them, protect them, and pour good things into their lives—gives you a vested interest in their well-being. It might not be a full-on love right at first, but the feeling will grow.

Reflect:

As you think about the things that cause conflict in your marriage, remember who the real enemy is. Ask God to equip you to fight for your marriage, not against your teammate, and to show you how to see tension as an opportunity for growing in grace as you pray.

Pray:

Heavenly Father, don’t let us repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but rather with blessing, so that our marriage will inherit a blessing. (1 Peter 3:9)