Growing In Kindness - Pray for the Marriage You Want

“Love is patient, love is kind.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, NIV)

Kindness “glues couples together.”

That’s according to renowned psychologists John and Julie Gottman—who spent four decades studying thousands of couples to find out what makes relationships work. Kindness, they say, is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in marriage. And the more someone receives love in action, the more they will demonstrate kindness themselves. Even the simplest acts of kindness—an affirming word, a cup of coffee in the morning—create an upward spiral of generosity that leads to both spouses ultimately being kinder and happier in the marriage.

It’s no wonder, then, that the Apostle Paul highlighted kindness as one of the key descriptors of love. You know the passage I’m talking about; you’ve heard it at a bazillion weddings. It’s 1st Corinthians 13, and we may be tempted to gloss over these verses or even dismiss them because they’ve become so familiar. But when we ponder the words slowly, reflecting on what love really means, they can be transformational for our marriages.

“Love is patient,” Paul writes. “Love is kind.” The Greek word for patience here is makrothumia, which means long-suffering. Or, even more literally, long-passioned. You know what a short-tempered person acts like, right? Picture the opposite. Picture someone who waits before expressing their anger. Someone you feel safe with. Someone who makes you feel loved.

The second half of this verse—the part where Paul says “love is kind”—is more active. It’s the Greek word chresteuomai, which implies intentional acts of compassion and mercy, with the recognition that everyone—your neighbor, your coworker, your spouse—carries a heavy load.

It’s this kindness, Romans 2:4 says, that leads us to repentance and makes us want to grow closer to God.

And, in fact, to one another.

But…what if we’re just not that kind? What if we want to be nice, but then something happens—our spouse shows up late; they forget our birthday; they leave the toilet seat up (again)—and we blow it. What then?

That’s where the Holy Spirit comes in.

God meets us in our mean places. “I will give you a new heart,” he says, “and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you to move you to follow my decrees.” (Ezekiel 36:26-27, NIV)

And then, as we give the Holy Spirit access to more and more of our heart, kindness has a chance to take root and grow. It’s not us trying harder; it’s God’s Spirit motivating us, giving us both the desire and the power to do the right thing. It’s not our willpower or our ability that produces the change.

It’s supernatural.

Our lives are meant to bring glory to God. So are our marriages. Our relationships are designed to be trophy cases where God can showcase his splendor. Let’s welcome him in, give him full access to our hearts, and let him do what he does best.

Reflect:

Have you ever experienced the upward spiral of kindness in your marriage? Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any places where contempt or criticism may have established a foothold in your relationship and confess these things to the Lord, knowing that his deepest desire is to redeem and restore. Take some time to reflect on God’s kindness to you and be alert to the opportunities he gives you to demonstrate the same active love to your spouse as you pray.

Pray:

Heavenly Father, may we be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ you forgave us. (Ephesians 4:32)