"The Gifts Of Discipline And Empathy"

“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” (Romans 5:8, NLT)

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” (Hebrews 12:11, NLT)

“We love each other because he loved us first.” (1 John 4:19, NLT)

God’s plan to shape the lives of us and our children includes discipline. He knows that sometimes we must experience great discomfort, even pain, so that we can bear fruit and experience peace. Because He loves us, He is willing to discipline us (see Hebrews 12:11).

What comes to mind when you hear the word discipline? In the English language, this word has become primarily associated with attempts to control behavior through punishment involving physical or mental pain. The Greek word paideia used in Hebrews 12:11 refers to discipline, but it has a much broader meaning than we might assume. Instead of narrowly reflecting the practice of punishment and control, it includes instruction, guidance, and correction in moral and spiritual matters.

According to this more comprehensive understanding, it is clear that we discipline our children in a variety of ways, including

• teaching them God’s Word;
• providing a godly example;
• letting them experience struggles;
• allowing them to make choices and learn from the consequences;
• correcting them when they persist in wrong attitudes and actions;
• coming alongside them when necessary to help them learn from their mistakes; and
• repeatedly doing all the above over many years.

Sometimes discipline results in uncomfortable or even painful feelings for our kids, but we discipline with the purpose of preventing even greater pain. God is both compassionate and just, both loving and powerful, full of both grace and truth, and the way we discipline our children should reflect these qualities as much as possible.

Discipline is most effective within the context of a loving and respectful relationship. The greater the love and respect in the relationship with our kids, the harder it will be for them to blame us when we provide discipline. Instead, they will be more likely to see that their poor decisions are the source of their discomfort and pain.

Central to the Christian faith is the truth that God acted first: We love because He first loved us, Christ died for us while we were still sinners, we have faith only through the grace He first gave. In parenting, we help our children mature when we go first by providing empathy, even when we don’t think our kids deserve it. By giving them grace, we help them experience our love and compassion as we simultaneously allow them to face the discomfort or pain associated with their poor decisions. Grace and discipline go hand in hand.

When your child’s poor decision-making leads to consequences, you may find it difficult to convey empathy. The examples below may help. You can pick just one from the list below, taking care to select a phrase that you can say with sincerity. Pray over it and consider the great empathy God has lavished upon you.

“I can’t imagine how [fill in the feeling] this must be.”

“Oh, no. These sorts of things are so upsetting.”

“I’m feeling for you.”

“This is so sad.”

“That’s never good.”

“It looks like you are feeling really [fill in the feeling].”

“Do you want a hug?”

“I bet this hurts.”