My Drug & My Defense

Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.

—Luke 10:40

Sometimes I stay busy because I hate having to face the silence and feel things I don’t want to feel. What if this book doesn’t connect with people at all? What if something happens to one of the kids? What if I’ve made the wrong choices, and I’m missing something important, something I could have been or should have done?

And I use my busyness as an excuse for why I might not succeed, or accomplish the things I want to, or have the relationships I want to have. I’m juggling a million things here, of course the book’s not perfect. Where am I supposed to find time to work out and become some gorgeous supermodel when I have like seven thousand things on my plate? I probably didn’t get invited because they knew I’d be out of town anyway, right?

The busyness is a drug to keep me numb and a defense to keep me safe. And it works. But numb and safe aren’t words for the life I want to live. I want to be present and whole and have nothing to hide, no excuses to be made, because I did my best, and because that’s enough.