On Receiving Love

God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

—Romans 5:8

When I was pregnant with Mac, I threw up several times a day until the morning I delivered. Being sick forced me to confront the part of me that believes people only love me and keep me around because of what I can do for them. Some people are included because they’re beautiful, or rich, or really smart, or professionally successful. I get to stick around because I get stuff done. I’m a workhorse. And all of a sudden, I couldn’t work. I couldn’t earn my keep, on practical and metaphysical levels.

I’ve long wanted to be better at accepting help, at admitting weakness, at trusting that people love me just because they do. It would have been lovely to learn those things when I wanted to, the way I wanted to. But we never grow until the pain level gets high enough.

Being so sick for so long was a painful education, but one I needed, one that forced me to embrace the risky but deeply beautiful belief that love isn’t something you earn, but something you receive, like a balm, like a benediction, even when you’re at your very worst.