But I Am Trusting - The One Year Book of Hope

But I Am Trusting

I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O LORD, saying, “You are my God!” My future is in your hands. –Psalm 31:10, 14-15

We had known I was pregnant with Gabriel for almost eight weeks and it had been three weeks since the prenatal testing, and we were waiting for the call with the test results. I wrote about it in my journal, the morning of January 26, 2001:

I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think about knowing one way or the other, but today, I’m just ready to know, ready to know how to feel, how to plan. Mostly, I want to say yes to God in whatever he has for us. If someone had asked me when I was pregnant before if I wanted to experience what we did with Hope, I’m sure I would have said no. And yet it was the most profound experience of blessing we’ve ever had. She brought us so much joy. I would have been a fool to say no. So I find myself now wanting to say yes to whatever God has for us because I know his plans for me are better than I can plan for myself.

That day the call came from the geneticist, who delivered the news that the child I was carrying was already suffering the fatal effects of Zellweger Syndrome. David and I stood in the kitchen and went over a list of Scripture verses to put on the letter we were preparing to send out to everyone we knew, looking for the verse that would best express the reality of our fear as well as our resolve. Then we found it: “But I am trusting you, O LORD, saying, ‘You are my God!’ My future is in your hands.”

I would like to tell you that our desire to trust in God erased the fear we had about the future—but it wouldn’t be true. What I will tell you is that we determined to trust God with the future of our family. And it wasn’t a decision we made one day for forever. It is a decision we made again every day (or at least most days) and a decision we continue to make every day. It’s the same for you. Will you trust God today even as your life feels shortened by sadness? Will you surrender your future into the loving hands of God?

You are my God, and I want to trust you with the hurts of my past and the pain that may be in my future. Today I choose to trust you and believe you’ll give me the grace to trust you tomorrow, too.

DIGGING DEEPER