A Few Good Questions

A Few Good Questions

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:7-8

Today’s verse is about addressing questions to our Father in heaven—but it’s also a good model for us as we think about making sure we keep in touch with our spouses. Every teacher knows that asking good questions opens the door to knowledge and understanding wider than simply imparting information does. And every marriage counselor knows that asking good questions opens the door to your partner’s heart.

No matter what stage your marriage is in, you could probably benefit from showing some genuine interest in what’s in your spouse’s heart. If you’re both ready to go beneath the surface and explore each other’s hearts, we want to suggest a few good questions to get you started:

“What do you dream about?” We’re talking about dreams for the future—not dreams from last night. To understand the mind you can look at what we have already achieved; to understand the heart you’ll want to look at what we dream about. And of course this may change over time, whether because as we grow and change so might our dreams, or because life can intervene and disillusion us. Do you know what your partner dreams most about these days? If that has changed from when you first met, do you know why?

“What do you cry about?” When we know where people carry their pain, what makes them hurt, we naturally start to understand their hearts at a deeper level. What pain is your spouse carrying right now? If you know the issues, dig a little deeper. Do you know why that painful experience is difficult for your spouse to get over? Is there something you can do to alleviate the pain that you haven’t thought of yet?

“What do you sing about?” When you know what brings joy to your partner, you know the source of his or her strength. What is your partner singing about this week? What’s bringing him or her the most joy? Or, if joy is scarce these days, what used to bring joy to your spouse—and how might you help start a new burst of “singing”?

These three questions are probably enough to get you going. Of course, you’ll likely come up with other good questions on your own. The point is to continually ask good questions. Why? Asking one another questions on a regular basis is essential to the growth of your relationship.

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.

—Naguib Mahfouz