Not So Quick

Not So Quick

You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave.

Matthew 20:25-27

Busyness is a problem for just about every couple—in fact, for just about every person these days! Sometimes busy seasons can’t be avoided. But have you ever known people who actually feel complimented when you tell them they look tired? “Been pushing hard,” they’ll say with the pride of the achiever—or with the false humility of the martyr. They wear Busy as a badge of honor. Why?

From a psychological point of view, the reason has to do with something we call secondary gains. When you consider the state of busyness, its primary gain appears to be productivity. But just under the surface lies a secondary gain, which has little to do with being productive; in fact, it’s closer to license to being unproductive.

Busyness can keep us from having a conversation that’s long overdue. It can be a means of avoiding an issue that begs to be addressed. Maybe it’s your mounting financial debt or the lack of passion you feel in the bedroom. Maybe it’s the feeling of just drifting through life without real meaning or presence. You get the idea.

You see, what we also gain from running in high gear is the excuse to keep from reflecting on the deeper issues of our lives or our relationships. Those issues could be thoughts that we are afraid to face, or they could take the form of feelings and even people we dread. In short, busyness gives us license to arrive late, slip out early, or be absent altogether—whether physically or mentally. And in a relationship like the marital one, busyness can keep us from emotionally connecting at an intimate and vulnerable level.

Don’t be so quick to let yourself be busy. If the two of you are ever going to be successful in wrestling your chronic busyness to the ground, you need to slow down and take a serious look at any potential secondary gains you may be getting from it. You need to ask yourself what exactly your busyness is getting you besides the belief that you’re getting more done. Be honest, brutally honest, with yourself as you explore your answers together.

When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world we lose connection with one another—and ourselves.

—Jack Kornfield