Show Me The Marriage

Show Me the Marriage

He will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves, who refuse to obey the truth and instead live lives of wickedness.

Romans 2:8

“You’ll vacuum before they get here, right?” Leslie asked anxiously as we pulled in to the garage.

“I’ve got it under control,” I mumbled.

The tension was rising because in less than an hour, two other couples would be at our doorstep expecting a dinner party. We jumped out of the car, grabbed an armful of groceries, and hurried inside. “I’ll take care of these groceries so you can vacuum,” Leslie said. As she hollered two more reminders from the kitchen, I walked into my study to look through some “urgent” mail. A few minutes later Leslie walked by and asked, exasperated, “What are you doing?”

“Reading my mail,” I said, with the best look of confusion I could put on my face. She didn’t buy it. “Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ll take care of the other stuff.” Leslie sighed and left the room. Five minutes later I heard the sound of the vacuum cleaner.

I’m almost done here; I’ll go in and help her next, I said to myself. Ten minutes later, when the vacuum stopped, I bolted from my chair into the living room. “I thought I was going to do this,” I said.

“So did I,” she replied.

We’ve all weaseled our way out of the to-do list at one time or another, haven’t we? After all, we’ve worked hard; we’re tired, busy, preoccupied, maxed-out, whatever. There are dozens of reasons we might use to justify one of the deadliest saboteurs of a healthy marriage: selfishness. It lurks just beneath the surface and pounces whenever we are tired and there’s a household chore to be done or an errand to be run. That’s when we pretend we don’t notice the chore or we “forget” about the errand, hoping the other person will take over so we don’t have to.

Selfishness seeps into our marriage in a myriad of ways. I (Leslie) am the first to admit I can whine and complain to Les about his busy schedule without considering adjusting my own calendar for the sake of his. Or I might spend extravagantly on a luncheon with a friend but later snipe at Les for buying a gadget he “doesn’t need.” Let’s face it: in big and small ways we all squirrel away money, energy, and time to our own advantage, not realizing that we are squandering countless acts of potential kindness and generosity sure to bring us to a deeper level of intimacy and connectedness with our partners.

When we rationalize our selfishness, we are missing the point of partnership. Selfishness is guaranteed to leave every married couple feeling more like roommates than soul mates. Worse, it always brings conflict: God will “pour out anger and wrath,” today’s Scripture says, “on those who live for themselves.”

Self-interest is the enemy of all true affection.

—Franklin D. Roosevelt