The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,

but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

(Proverbs 15:18)

When I can feel an argument brewing, I have to remember that my goal is to tackle the issue, not the person.

When I tackle an issue, I ask questions. These questions help me shift from trying to prove I am right to trying to improve the relationship. When I set out to prove I’m right, it leads to conflict escalation. When I determine to improve the relationship, it leads to conflict resolution.

Here are some questions that have helped me to redirect my focus from proving myself to improving the relationship:

Of course, these have to be asked with the right tone and an honest desire to better understand the other person. (Trust me, I’ve asked with a snarky attitude and seriously impeded any positive progress!) But said in the right tone, it’s so much better to throw out a gentle question than a bitter, condemning rock.

My husband, Art, and I have renamed our fights. We now call them “growth opportunities.” But I don’t want to give the wrong impression and end all cheerio. While Art and I are doing great right now and have had fewer growth opportunities lately, they always seem to be right around the corner. So please hear my heart: I’m not saying any of this is easy. But isn’t it good to think about and work on healthy processing strategies? After all, we are the ones who benefit from them. Our relationships will improve. Our outlooks will be more positive. We’ll start to see biblical truths coming alive in our lives, which will strengthen our relationship with God. And we’ll learn to attack the issues rather than attacking each other.