Love Can Rise Higher Than Family Tensions

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:18-19, NIV)

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18, ESV)

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:21-21, NLT)

Nothing quite prepares you for the moment your teenage son unwraps a gift at the family Christmas gathering and holds up a bra. A bra meant for his sister. Time stopped. His face turned three shades of red at once. The room erupted, some in laughter and some in secondhand embarrassment.

In my rush to wrap presents late Christmas Eve, I’d mixed up the gift tags. What could have been a moment of family tension (my mortified son was not initially amused) became something else entirely. My family had to navigate this awkward moment I created. I quickly traded the mistaken gift. My husband tried to refocus the attention elsewhere to ease the tension. Grace covered the room and despite my terrible mistake, everyone felt love.

Family gatherings, especially during the holidays, can be emotional minefields. Old hurts resurface. Political differences emerge over dinner. Personality clashes that we manage to avoid all year suddenly collide in close quarters. Perhaps you have an uncle who overdelivers his opinion or a sister-in-law who criticizes everything. Sometimes the fire in the room comes in the form of passive-aggressive comments disguised as jokes.

I’ve often held on to God’s promise tucked in 1 John 4:17-21: His love is dependable, even when family relationships aren’t. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” When we’re anchored in God’s perfect, dependable love, we can extend grace to imperfect, undependable people, including ourselves.

That mixed-up gift became a family legend, retold every Christmas with increasing embellishment. But more importantly, it taught me something about navigating family tensions: sometimes the best response is to laugh at our humanity, apologize for our mistakes, and choose love over all.

Romans 12:18 offers this wisdom: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Notice it says, “if possible” and “as far as it depends on you.” God knows that we can’t control other people’s responses, but we can control our own. We can choose soft answers when harsh words fly. We can choose to assume the best instead of the worst. We can choose to forgive before an apology comes.

I’ve learned to pray before family gatherings: “Lord, let me be an instrument of Your peace. When tensions arise, please help me to be the one who extends grace. When old patterns emerge, give me new responses. When I want to defend myself, remind me that you are my defender.”

Ephesians 4:32 has become my holiday relationship guide: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The key phrase? “Just as in Christ God forgave you.” We don’t forgive because people deserve it or because they’ve changed. We forgive because God forgave us first, completely, without conditions.

Your difficult family member might not change this Christmas. The tensions might still exist. (Okay, they will.) but you can change how you respond. You can choose to see them through the lens of God’s dependable love rather than through the lens of past hurts. You can choose peace over proving your point.

This holiday season, God’s promise remains: His love is dependable, even when people aren’t. You can’t control your family’s behavior, but you can control whether you reflect God’s love at the dinner table. Before your next gathering, write down one way you’ll choose love over being right. Maybe it’s not responding to the political comment. It could be complimenting the person who usually criticizes you. Perhaps it’s simply praying for soft hearts, yours included. Remember we love because He first loved us, and His love never fails.