You Don’t Understand: Role Reversals

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.

Philippians 2:3–5

LISA WAS ACCOMPANYING ME ON A TRIP OUT EAST WHEN EVERYTHING STARTED going wrong. Our flight out of Seattle got delayed, we had to stand in line for forty-five minutes to get our rental car, meals had to be put off, and so on. Our heads didn’t hit the hotel pillows until after midnight.

“This is exhausting,” Lisa said. “I can’t believe you do this every week!”

“She finally gets it!” I said to myself. “This is great! Now she knows why I can be so tired when I come home.”

One evening the next week, back at home, Lisa was gone—and I was trying to get dinner on the table. Our dog followed me around as if she hadn’t been fed in thirty days, even though she had already eaten two meals and two snacks. The kids were all busy with homework: Kelsey asked me how to find the length of a diagonal when the sides of a square are eight inches long, Graham wanted to run some ideas by me about a feature article he needed to do for a writing class, and Allison had to complete a timeline for Israel, Egypt, Greece, and Rome. And I was about to pull out what little hair I have left on the top of my head.

“Was Julius Caesar AD?”

“No, he was BC.”

“Okay,” another kid pushed up to me, “so the sides are eight inches. Now, if I multiply—”

“Just a second, Kelsey, let me just stir this, and I’ll look at the problem.”

“Dad,” Allison cut back in, “when was the fall of Jerusalem?”

“AD 70. You should look it up to be sure, but I’m pretty certain that’s right. Okay, everybody, let’s go ahead and eat the salad while the lasagna is settling.”

Worse, after I got dinner on the table, the kids still had more homework, so instead of cooking and answering questions, I was now doing dishes and answering questions. And as the clock inched forward, the questions became more desperate: “Daaaad, I think I mixed up the Peloponnesian and the Punic Wars!”

“Okay, there were three Punic Wars—”

By the time Lisa walked in the door at 9:30, I was just barely hanging on. Then it dawned on me: while I’m waiting in rental car lines, driving to hotels, and trying to adjust to different time zones, Lisa’s at home doing this almost every night.

You know what? It’s a bear having to travel sometimes. And it’s a bear trying to cook dinner and help three kids with homework.

Most spouses feel underappreciated. We think our husbands or wives don’t understand how difficult we have it, and we’re probably right—they usually don’t. We’re tempted to grow resentful when our hard work is taken for granted. But the truth is, in today’s world, both spouses usually face a lot of stress. Different stresses, yes, but stress nonetheless. The problem is that, in our narcissism, we assume we have it worse and expect to receive all the empathy without taking the time to notice the other spouse’s challenges. The end result is that both spouses fixate on their own difficulties while remaining blind to the other’s challenges, and thus both resent the lack of support they receive from each other.

From a spiritual perspective, this means that pride is the wedge that drives most marriages apart. Looking only to our own situations, we become arrogant, opinionated, and fixated on our situations and how our spouses don’t appreciate us.

The truth is, in today’s world, both spouses usually face a lot of stress.

Christian marriage invites us to a new way of thinking and acting, a way Paul and the ancients called humility. “Not looking to your own interests,” Paul wrote, “but each of you to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). This follows an exhortation to consider others “above yourselves.” One commentator suggested how “such a disposition will promote unity, for it binds believers together in mutual interest, respect and appreciation.”^a

Notice this, please: mutual interest, respect, appreciation—all are key virtues for family life, but they’re virtues often buried under arrogance, selfishness, and blindness.

Considering our spouses is an active charge; it’s a decision to spend time actively ruminating on the challenges our spouses must overcome.

But my spouse doesn’t have it tougher than I do! some of you are thinking. Notice Paul’s next line: “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:5).

Look—if Jesus can take this approach, we can take this approach!

Pride pushes us away from each other. It exalts itself, it seeks to win arguments, and it aims to advance self and get noticed. Humility draws us toward each other, it seeks to understand, and it aims to achieve intimacy. Pride is one of the greatest enemies of marriage; humility is one of marriage’s greatest friends.

Sadly, while pride comes naturally, humility must be pursued. Unless we consciously practice humility in our marriages, we’ll naturally fall into a prideful disposition. To help us counteract this, Paul gave us an effective spiritual exercise: Pause for a moment. Don’t look only to your own interests—look to the interests of your spouse. Think about him or her. Consider his or her challenges. Empathize with the stress your spouse is feeling. Do this in such a way that you can see how, in some ways, he or she has it tougher than you. Now show your empathy. Be genuine in your encouragement and support.