Bitter Beyond Words - The One Year Book of Hope

Bitter Beyond Words

He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. –Lamentations 3:13, 19-22

Sometimes I feel guilty about my grief. Not because I think there is something wrong or unspiritual about recognizing my loss and valuing my loss. I feel guilty because sometimes I think my grief is more about me than about Hope or Gabriel. I feel sad not just when I think about them and their difficult, limited lives, but when the mental snapshots remind me of the pain I felt, the fear I felt, the disappointment that swallowed me.

I remember when it first hit me. The depth of the cry bordering on a scream bubbled inside and then burst out of me. It scared me, and I know it scared David. I think that is when he first wondered if he’d ever get his wife back, or if she was gone forever, lost to sorrow.

I am well aware that so many have suffered in much more significant ways than I have, but there is no real comparison of pain. It all just hurts. And with the author of Lamentations, I would say, “the thought of my suffering is bitter beyond words.” And I echo his words: “I will never forget this awful time.”

But I would also echo the ray of light that peeks out of his next phrase: “Yet I still dare to hope.” The memory of hope is as vivid as the memory of pain. What could have made him dare to hope? What could possibly give you the courage and confidence to have hope in the midst of your bitter suffering? Remembering the love of God. Rehearsing his past faithfulness to you. Choosing to think about the sufficiency and eternity of God’s love. It may seem daring to make room in your mind for what you know is true about God, and honestly, it is difficult when it feels as if he has shot his arrows deep into your heart. But the truth of God’s love transforms our thoughts and our feelings when we choose to remember and choose to believe.

Lord, how the hurt lingers, making it hard to remember that your love is unfailing and eternal. Remind me of your love—my only source of hope for the future. Make the reality of your faithfulness more vivid than my pain.

DIGGING DEEPER