Help Wanted

CORE PRACTICE #31: Seek outside counsel when expectations and differences are too great to work through on your own.

Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers. —Proverbs 11:14

TONY

The New York Times called him “the country’s least likely love guru” and said he sounds like Gomer Pyle.^a And yet couples flock to his conferences and buy his books. In fact, one that he wrote in 1992, The 5 Love Languages, often ranks as the bestselling book on marriage. His name? Gary Chapman.

Long before he was recognized as a marriage expert, however, couples in crisis were drawn to this down-to-earth pastor. Early in his career, he began teaching classes on marriage and family at his church. Once people noticed that he was a good, empathetic listener, many dropped by his office to talk. Over the years, he began to notice that spouses often struggled because they didn’t feel loved. “If you feel loved by your spouse, the whole world is right,” he said. “If the love tank is empty, the whole world can begin to look dark.”^b

Interestingly, Chapman admits that the early years of his own marriage were so difficult that if he hadn’t made a vow to God, he would have left his wife. Over time, they learned to accept and accommodate their differing needs and today have a thriving marriage.

Chapman’s popularity—both in his local church when he was a young pastor and in the wider culture today—point to the hunger many couples have to unlock the key to a stronger marriage. He proves that sometimes we have to look outside ourselves for the wisdom and biblical perspective we need.

In fact, that’s one reason why Lauren and I are such big proponents of premarital counseling. The pastor who married us met with us beforehand to talk about a number of issues, many of which weren’t first and foremost on our minds, but which turned out to be very helpful and practical as we began our marriage. We covered a lot of ground—from the biblical view of marriage to conflict resolution to budgeting—and because of this counseling, we avoided some inappropriate reactions and wrong decisions.

Yet even with the best premarital counseling, marriage is not always a smooth and level journey. In addition to wonderful moments of joy, life is sprinkled with disappointing lows, painful heartaches, and moments of despair. At these times, we’re often most tempted to pull away from each other. While we all need time to think and be by ourselves, if we become disconnected, it’s important to seek guidance and help from someone else.

If that’s where you find yourselves today, reach out to a friend or a pastor, or find a professionally trained Christian counselor who specializes in working with married couples. Don’t let what others may think stop you—God has placed people around you with the ability to help you and your spouse strengthen your marriage commitment and guide you through the valleys.

Don’t settle for the wisdom of a so-called marriage expert on the newest talk show or reality TV program. Don’t even rush out to buy the book by the latest relationship guru—unless his or her advice is grounded in the bestselling book of all time, the Bible.

Adventure Application: As you consider your marriage today, are you feeling hopeful or helpless? If you need godly guidance, talk about whom you might turn to for direction or help.