Picking Your Battles

CORE PRACTICE #32: Be wise when picking your battles, understanding that your spouse probably doesn’t intend his or her weaknesses to cause you grief.

Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash. —Matthew 7:24-27

Lauren

Our hometown, Tampa, and nearby areas have been in the headlines recently because of sinkholes that have unexpectedly swallowed sections of streets and homes. Though geologists point out that sinkholes are natural and usually develop over hundreds of years, when they develop rapidly, they can be deadly. That’s exactly what happened in early 2013. Jeff Bush, who was in his bed, sank thirty feet when a sinkhole opened under his room. Tragically, he was never found.

So you might understand why I was concerned when I saw some substantial cracking at the back of our house. When our next-door neighbors told Tony and me that they had a sinkhole, we became even more uneasy—or perhaps I should say that I became more uneasy.

If you’ve ever watched Tony on the sidelines during a football game, then you might not be surprised to hear that he remained laid-back and relaxed about the sinkhole news. His attitude was, Well, let’s just get it fixed. . . . Maybe I’ll call a contractor next week, and then we can get a couple of estimates.

On the other hand, I was thinking, What? You don’t mind that our kids’ safety is at risk? Are you serious? Honey, we’ve got to get the house foundation stabilized—now!

Guess who was on the phone the next day? To me, the possibility that a sinkhole could be developing under our house was deadly serious. Tony didn’t feel the same sense of urgency; in fact, if it had been up to him, I suspect we might still be searching the Yellow Pages for a contractor.

Thankfully, most disagreements are not so serious. Tony and I may dispute a politician’s recent comments or whether a particular actor or actress should have taken a certain role in a movie or whether we should take the kids to the pool or to the beach. In fact, such differences of opinion don’t even rise to the level of a quarrel.

During the course of any given day, I’ve discovered that Tony and I disagree on matters that we can view simply as contrasting ways of doing things. The key for us is to recognize these moments for what they are—simply differences that don’t matter in the bigger, more important aspects of our marriage.

I put “our sinkhole story” in another category. That threatened my family’s safety, so I felt it needed to be confronted. I was not willing to accept Tony’s low-key approach. Whether I refer to that example as a “battle” or not might be a matter of semantics. After all, Tony backed my decision to deal with the cracking foundation immediately, so it didn’t become an issue between us.

Yet it did illustrate an important point: We need to learn the difference between conflict worth engaging in and minor disagreements that are best let go. It comes down to knowing the foundational values and priorities of our marriage and our family. When the fundamentals upon which God has built our marriage come under attack, we need to stand up and confront wherever the threat may be coming from—our spouse or elsewhere.

For example, the times when I consider it crucial for me to take a stand include any actions, decisions, or suggested courses of action that are contrary to God’s Word. I will also fight if one member of the family is showing disrespect to another. I will not sit by when I think anyone in my family is in physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual danger. You might add your own nonnegotiable points to the list.

And at other times? When we disagree with our spouse over issues that carry no threat—except maybe to our ego—sometimes it’s best just to smile and let it go.

Adventure Application: Keep a careful eye this week on those moments when you and your spouse disagree. Are those issues foundational to your marriage or family? If so, deal with them. Otherwise, accept the fact that you have differences and smile—at least once the moment has passed.