When The Fish Are Biting

CORE PRACTICE #27: Don’t expect your spouse to be able to read your mind.

Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. —Philippians 2:4

TONY

One of the hardest adjustments I had to make after I got married was learning to communicate my plans to Lauren. When I was single, I had gotten into a routine I was used to, but I’d never had to share my schedule with anyone else or worry that they were even thinking about it. If I had a change in plans, it was no big deal. It didn’t impact anyone but me.

As a newly married man, it never occurred to me that Lauren had no idea what I was thinking. I knew what I was doing after work, and I simply assumed that everyone, including Lauren, knew I was fine.

What was I doing?

Fishing, of course.

In my single days, I often used my free time from the Steelers to head out for a quick fishing trip on a nearby river or lake. Once we married, I quickly learned to give Lauren my projected schedule. But if I told her I thought I’d be home by six and the fish were really biting, I might decide to stay a little longer and . . . well, I never thought to find a phone to call Lauren. Certainly she would know I couldn’t leave if the fish were biting!

Lesson number one: Don’t assume, communicate!

Without a call from me, there was no way for Lauren to know that I was safe or when I would be home. Her concern led her to imagine a more serious scenario than biting fish to explain why I was so late.

We tend to think inwardly, and our focus tends to be on ourselves. We don’t mean it in a malicious or arrogant way, but it is rather a condition of our selfish, sinful human nature. The apostle Paul says there is a better way. Just after directing the Philippians not to “look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others,” he urged them to adopt the same attitude as Christ, who gave up His “divine privileges” and “humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross” (vv. 7-8). Following Jesus’ example is not easy, and I often find myself turning to God to ask for His help.

I mean well, but my tendency is to view the world and my marriage through my own lens. Lauren and I have now been married for more than thirty years, but she still cannot read my mind or know my precise location if I don’t communicate. Because her feelings and needs matter to me, I don’t want to catch her off guard. In fact, I’ve found it is much more productive to remind her of my plans for the day, even if she simply shrugs and says, “I knew that.”

Nowadays I’m really grateful for cell phones since the fish still tend to bite at unpredictable times!

Adventure Application: Discuss whether you or your spouse can think of any recurring issues that come up because one of you thinks that the other should simply “know that by now.” Take a step back. How might you address that concern? It’s better to err on the side of clarity and communication than to remain stuck in uncertainty or resentment.