Two-part Harmony

CORE PRACTICE #28: Learn to adjust to and accept the “quirks” of your spouse’s side of the family.

May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. —Romans 15:5-7

Lauren

“It’s not the things I don’t understand about the Bible that bother me,” says pastor and author Bill Hybels, “it’s the things I understand with perfect clarity and don’t comply with that keep me up at night.”

Who doesn’t long to live in “complete harmony” with others so that we can praise and glorify God, as Paul instructs above? Yet when we get to verse 7, we see why peaceful living can sometimes feel so elusive. One of the secrets, we read, is that we must “accept each other just as Christ has accepted you” (emphasis added). With absolute love? Unconditional forgiveness? A desire for the other person’s best? Is that even possible?

Marriage—the union of two very different people—sure puts that to the test. That can be particularly true when the couple’s extended families are involved. After all, every family has its share of interesting idiosyncrasies, which both husband and wife must adjust to.

As we mentioned earlier, Tony’s and my families are very different. We love them both, but we learned early on that to love our in-laws as Christ loved them, we needed His help as we adjusted to their ways and they began to adjust to ours.

I had grown up in a family that generally followed a pretty structured schedule. Tony’s parents, on the other hand, were a bit less concerned with planning. Or, if they followed a structure, I couldn’t figure it out. They lived in Michigan for all of their married life, but they loved to come and visit us from the time Tony was coaching with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Tony’s mom and dad were a joy to have in our home, but whenever they planned a visit, they never told us what time to expect them. I always wanted to be sure to have a meal ready for them when they pulled up, but not knowing when they would arrive often made that difficult.

To avoid resentment from blocking the harmony between us, I eventually realized I needed to speak up about this. Tony encouraged me to do so as well. I finally did, describing the pressure I felt as I tried to be ready for their visit without knowing when they were going to arrive. I explained that sometimes Tony, the children, and I worried about whether something happened to them on the road. And, of course, I wanted to find out whether they planned to eat on the way or whether I should have a meal waiting for them.

Talking to them helped. They hadn’t realized we were concerned. Not only that, but Tony’s mom explained that they often left just as soon as her husband came home from work—but she didn’t always know when that would be. In the days before cell phones, they didn’t always take the time to call once they got on the road. After our conversation, they did a much better job of letting us know when to expect them. At the same time, I learned not to get quite so caught up in trying to schedule every detail of their visit.

I wasn’t the only one who had to learn to adjust to my in-laws’ differences. Tony had to get used to my twin brother, Loren, freely offering his advice. When we were building our home in Tampa, Loren wanted to make sure we were getting our money’s worth, so he appointed himself as an absentee project manager. When he was in town, he would make regular visits on-site to check on the construction. He would shake windows and peel back insulation to see what it was covering and to make sure it was the correct R rating. He was quick to give his opinion—occasionally to us, but usually to the builder—as to the workmanship.

But Loren’s heart was good, and Tony learned to appreciate having another set of eyes on our home’s progress. Tony and I even got a good laugh when we realized that my brother’s visits usually coincided with a home football game.

Adventure Application: Have you noticed some interesting habits or behaviors on your spouse’s side of the family? Make a point this week to appreciate those family members better and accept or adjust to the way they are.