Not Wrong, Just Different

CORE PRACTICE #29: Train yourself to look for your spouse’s strengths in his or her differences.

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. —Romans 12:6-7

TONY

Why is it that when we learn that we have more differences from our spouses than we realized, we tend to be a bit bothered—maybe even wonder if something is wrong? Perhaps you and your spouse would feel better if you were a little more alike, had all the same interests, and enjoyed similar activities. But as the Scripture above points out, that’s not how God made us.

We have each been created with unique gifts, abilities, and talents, unlike anyone else. God reminded us why He created each of us differently when He spoke to Jeremiah about His purpose for him: “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5).

Just as God created Jeremiah with a unique assignment in mind, so He has a different—if complementary—purpose for you and your spouse. When bothered by any of the differences we discover in each other, we can feel a sense of calm and peace, knowing that God designed us that way. Different is not bad. It’s good. It’s great.

It’s just . . . different.

The key is to see your differences, not as negatives or weaknesses, but as simply a part of who each of you are. A part that was placed there by the God who created you.

One definite difference between Lauren and me that we’ve come to appreciate over the years is our reaction to challenges. Lauren’s tendency is to respond much more quickly and energetically to situations than I do. I tend to be more laid-back, listen more, and be more reflective as I take in all I see and hear. But as different as we are, both personalities work well for our marriage. This has never been more evident than in helping our son Jordan with his medical issues.

At times, Lauren’s more emotional nature has enabled us to get things done faster for him. Because of her initiative, we’ve sometimes gotten a second opinion or tried a different procedure that has made a positive difference. But there are times—often the same times—when my calmer approach has helped us both process the information before us in a way that works out best for Jordan’s medical health. Neither Lauren’s nor my approach is the right way. Neither is the wrong way. They are simply different. After the dozen-plus surgeries that our precious son has gone through, Lauren and I can say with confidence that Jordan has been well served by having a mom and a dad who respond in completely different ways but always with his best interest in mind.

Adventure Application: Take turns mentioning one characteristic of your spouse that makes you completely different—but that you’ve come to appreciate during your marriage. Can you name a situation when you realized just how much you valued your spouse for that reason?