Who Does What?

CORE PRACTICE #30: Allow each spouse to take the lead in the area of his or her strength.

God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. —1 Peter 4:10-11

Lauren

The first home that Tony and I purchased together was located on two acres. One chore that I actually looked forward to was mowing the lawn. Growing up, my brothers always got to work outside while all of my sister’s and my chores seemed to be inside. Now I would get to be the one enjoying the smell of freshly cut grass and an hour in the sun.

Given the size of our lot and our full-time jobs, I convinced Tony that we should buy a riding mower at Sears. As we stood before the display of mowers, I noticed the salesman directing all of his comments toward Tony. I wanted to shout at him, “No, no; look at me! I need the information! I’m the one who’s going to be riding the lawn mower!” Thankfully, Tony finally pointed at me and told the man, “She’s got a few more questions.”

I’m glad Tony wasn’t threatened by that, just as I never minded when the kids asked Tony if he could make them pancakes on Saturday mornings. Mowing the lawn and making breakfast are just two of a host of responsibilities that every family has as it grows. The question often becomes just who is in charge of each of the various areas of responsibility? Should it be the person best equipped for the task? Or should we follow cultural expectations as to who does what?

Some look to Paul’s instructions to the believers at Ephesus to help answer these questions: “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church” (Ephesians 5:22-23).

The problem comes when this passage is taken out of context and interpreted contrary to God’s true intent. God has gifted us all differently; so, as a married couple, why not use those gifts to the benefit of your marriage?

Tony is a tremendous football coach, and in particular, he is an exemplary head coach. And that’s not just my opinion, even though I’m his most biased fan. One reason for his success as a head football coach is his ability to identify the gifts and talents of his assistant coaches and staff. Once he does that, as he discussed in The Mentor Leader, he equips, enables, and empowers each of them to lead by using the skill sets they have been given for the good of the players, other coaches, and ultimately the team.

No successful football coach would put his best six-foot-five-inch, 330-pound offensive lineman in as a wide receiver and expect to have an effective passing game. Nor would he play his top defensive end at quarterback. No good head coach would have the offensive coordinator prepare the game plan all week, run practices before the next game, and then on game day call all the plays himself.

A marriage is really no different, at least if it is to function at a high level. Why assume a husband or wife should take responsibility for an area he or she is not wired for? Why not allow each partner to contribute to the marriage and the family by using his or her God-given strengths for its benefit?

That’s why Tony is such a great husband, father, and leader within our family. But just because he’s gifted in leading doesn’t mean he has to be the one doing or deciding everything. Years ago, he and I assessed where our different areas of giftedness are. For instance, he is good at managing finances and loves to do that, so he does. I am skilled at organizing and scheduling, and I have a gift for hospitality—so I take the lead in those areas.

Together we merge our strengths and gifts for the good of the team—our marriage and family. Especially when it means I’m on the riding lawn mower while Tony is inside flipping pancakes.

Adventure Application: This week, talk with your spouse about areas of responsibility you each have within your family. Are there some household chores that one spouse would be better at and enjoy more, regardless of what society says is the “proper” role?